ABORT Magazine™

DVD Review: Banshee – Directed by Colin Theys

DVD Review – BANSHEE!!!
Directed by Colin Theys
Synthetic Cinema International

Low-budget, “grindhouse” horror flicks generally rely on three main staples, three basic, fundamental features that lie at the core of everything that is film-based horror entertainment: violence/gore, cheap laughs, and titties. These three ingredients must be fused in perfect harmony for it to work properly and be entertaining. Now some films may go with one over another, feeling they want to really hammer home the violence/gore, cheap laugh, or titty aspect of their movie to suit their purposes but they generally still have all three in the movie. Not BANSHEE! Oh no, the geniuses behind BANSHEE!!! decided they were going to throw one out the window, just completely toss it by the wayside like a cheap piece of trash. And which one did they cut out? By far the most important god-damn one: titties. There isn’t a single titty in the entire piece of crap douche-fest.

Oh there are breasts, of course. Oh yeah, they parade those damn things around for pretty much the entire 80 soul-crushing minutes in the form of the pretty redheaded cop “Julia” or something, the sassy “smart” brunette chick, “Veronica” or “Vicky” or whatever the hell the name of the buxom blonde was, and some other brunette chick whose bra the filmmakers were charitable enough to let us see for all of twenty seconds. But what they don’t do is give us the goddamn common courtesy of even a whiff of an areola. Not one! Now, “What about the plot?” you may be asking. Well, gee, there’s a banshee… and it’s killing people. And there are some college kids camping near where the banshee lives… and it kills them. Music and loud noises seems to kind of hurt the banshee… but not really. Some of the kids put cotton balls in their ears as protection for some reason that is never really explained, but the banshee kills them anyways. There’s a wise old man and his nephew that help the kids but the banshee fucks them too.

In between there are some surprisingly good special effects and some pretty nice gore(a guy’s head gets ripped in half, another guy’s head explodes, the banshee owns this dude with a pretty sweet javelin shot to the throat) but nothing really that over-the-top, nothing we haven’t seen a million times before in movies made by people with the common human decency to put some goddamn titties in their films.

Bad acting and stupid plots are a tolerable, even sought-after part of low-budget horror flicks. But to make someone sit through 80-plus minutes of bad acting, stupid plot, and uninspired violence without titties(!) is torturous and simply unforgivable.

By  A.W. “Did I mention there’s no titties?” Reid

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